The End Game

CW: mild sexual content, satire

My name is TomÜberAlles. I was bred to be a fingertwitch maniac. I scored a multi-million dollar contact at 18 years and two seconds old and the hottest Tweak top contributor of all time, KatyPlay—met in the biz, you know. I was obvs the first recruit when the aliens declared war.

A swarm of spikey-ass spaceships ripped through the solar system, launching all sorts of satellites, asteroid harvesters, and what ended up being several hundred solar laser arrays to blast our planet to crispy shit. The worlds’ various militaries had their interception “peace vessels” shot to pieces by x-rays and EMP bursts (well, not really pieces, cuz the Stripes tell me it’s not like in the movies, which bummed me out, but Katy quickly cheered me back up with some Leia-style role-play, meow). That is, they all were destroyed except one rugged hunk of American spy hardware that managed to latch onto some alienware and send a bunch of data back Earthside.

Tbh tho, w/o all those foreign hackers all up in the US’s shit, we’d never have found the weakness in the system.

The US Navy had two years while the alienfucks grav-braked around the Sun and those fat farty gas planets. Their plans were in our hands, and the geniuses at NSA reconfigured the relay system to replicate the team running classics my generation was raised on. Before those alien bastards knew it, I’d be wiggin out all over them.

My team, HumansÜberAlles, play-hacked their sats one-by-one, two-by-two, until we had the covert program fully installed so that the solar laser beams would fuck the Mothership UP. Also, I got KatyPlay pregs. TWICE. That way, my sons can helm the dynasty if the alientards decide they decide they need more fucking up. Or my son and daughter, a daughter would be cool too.

The day came, the final hour when we had to drop the directives at the last minute, with only a second left. Game Over, Aliens. We popped the champagne and watched those sats turn around and focus their laser beams into one huge fucking column of yellow-white plasma that shot directly at our planet.


The screens showed all the people falling and dying, and then my sight went all red with blood and shaking, heat surging through my spine and tearing through my belly, and my body opened like a blossoming flower filled with organs.

And then the White House also exploded.

– Chris Airiau

For this flash fiction piece, I asked my friend and artist Benjamin Specklin for a reader-generated prompt. He suggested I write something that openly mocks some SF movies I may or may not have ranted about in the past over beers…

Published by ChrisAiriau

I'm a science and SF content creator, specializing in writing technical scientific concepts in clear and engaging language. Alongside many writing and editing side-projects, I taught English in French universities for eight years. At university, I worked mainly for engineering Master’s programs and science undergraduates – from economics to physics, biology to psychology. My goal is to tailor SF and science content to a diverse range of audiences, and my background provides all the necessary tools to succeed.

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